Introduction
Well, sometimes I just fall on my face. My previous article on Usefulness failed to communicate. So we’re back here again, diving into the same waters. So let’s spin that other attempt as “Part 1”, this as Part 2” (and now that I see we’re at 4000 words, we’ll leave the balance of what I wanted to add as an up-coming “Part 3.”— Another Trilogy!)
Why is this so important?
My interest in "Usefulness" stems from its core principle: understanding and valuing a situation from another's perspective. This requires temporarily setting aside your own viewpoint to see the world as your counterpart does. This article is for those determined to overcome that roadblock. Usefulness is the secret of networking, of building cooperation with others while also getting what you want. This paper (...and Part 3!) will reveal why a failure to grasp it holds so many Newbie Entrepreneurs back from their full potential.
Power disparities in relationships are a fact of life. The resulting Power dynamics are thus always present within relationships, to a larger or lesser extent. Wishing this weren’t so or fantasizing a perfect world where the disparities or dynamics do not exist is not practical. And you, dear reader, are here because you are practical and are determined to realize your objectives.
Power dynamics subtly, subconsciously influence how we understand, react to, and deal with navigating the requesting and obtaining of things from other people. Today, I’m exploring the concept of “usefulness” within relationships wherein there are gaps in the power dynamics and wherein a newer, different, better understanding will help you be successful.
In short, these thoughts on Usefulness are meant to be practically useful to you, today.
Definition of Usefulness
Usefulness:
The quality of being easily usable and serviceable for an intended purpose, and thereby being perceived as effectively producing a valuable result.
This is my personally crafted definition based on colloquial usage. This meaning has several key characteristics:
It is highly subjective and is biased towards the person to whom the usefulness is intended.
It connotes a positive good.
The pros of the usefulness of a thing must vastly out-weigh the cons.
Usefulness results from: Ease of use (low cost), effectiveness (goal achievement), and value (gain - cost).
The Value/Exchange Basis of Relationships
"Relationships are the media in which unequal goods of comparable value are exchanged. Since these values are both unequal and subjective, relationships must be negotiated”1
The concept of "usefulness" in human relationships refers to the extent to which individuals in a relationship provide value to each other. This value can be either a tangible or intangible benefit. The value is often offered as part of an understood (implicit) transactional negotiation. Examples include: advice, wisdom, mentoring, emotional support, companionship, romantic/sexual activity, loyalty, skills, labor, services, or time.
We are not overtly taught that "Relationships are the media in which value is transacted."2
In fact just the opposite: Culture, custom, and common practice pretend that it is not so. Disney movies and RomComs conspire to hypnotize us to the contrary, that somehow relationships are saintly unconditional rivers of charity.
But if you examine things carefully, and if you can overcome your programming, you will see that all relationships involve some type of an exchange of value. And the corollary is also true: without something being exchanged, there is no active, on-going relationship.
Dr Taraban covers this extensively in his book, “The Value of Others,” especially as it relates to his focus on The Game of Mating & Dating.
Situational Dynamics
What are some of the subconscious processing steps which assess the power and situational dynamics during the ritual of transacting value exchange?
Let’s take a common situation which can occur between two people, let’s say: “Jonah” and “Aly”. The particular items ( “X” and “Y” ) mentioned below could be a thing (money, smartphone, shirt) or a service/skill (education, ability to paint, speak a language, give a massage, weed the garden) or an intangible (beauty, intelligence, sparkling personality, time to go places together, conversation, inspirational role model).
Jonah lacks “X”.
Jonah perceives that Aly has (owns/controls/possesses) “X”.
Perhaps Jonah imagines that Aly has a surplus of “X”.
Jonah desires that Aly transfer (give/sell/exchange/share …) “X” to/with/for Jonah.
Jonah thinks that Jonah has a surplus of “Y”.
Jonah thinks that Aly will desire to have more “Y”.
Jonah requests/proposes to Aly an exchange of “Y” for “X”.
Aly makes a decision to accept, reject, ignore, or counter-offer Jonah’s proposal/request.
But what does Jonah do, if Jonah lacks any common resource or medium of exchange such as “Y”? Or what to do if Jonah is incorrect about what Aly wants? Or what Aly values? Or if Aly is at such a different level of having “X” and “Y” that Aly can easily ignore or be unmotivated by Jonah?
The Answer will be found in the concept of “Usefulness.” Usefulness is a subset of the Value-exchange aspects of business.
As a side note:3 The above-mentioned process is a more transactionally complex version of the Game of Please?/No!4
What is and is not Useful?
We can answer that by comparing it with various synonyms used when describing or explaining the concept of “useful”: practical, helpful, effective, beneficial, valuable, constructive, meaningful, serviceable, subservient/obedient.
Table: Comparing and Contrasting Useful with Common Synonyms
When you make yourself Useful to somebody else – as determined from THEIR perspective – you integrate yourself into their goal achieving vector. THEY – perhaps for the first time – begin to see that you are valuable to THEM. And since “Relationships are the media in which unequal goods of comparable VALUE are exchanged,” you now have something which the other person KNOWS has value.
This is reason #1 for Usefulness.
Reason #2 has to do with demonstrating – proving – that you KNOW inherently and intrinsically what VALUE is in the eyes of the other person.
Let me give a simple example. There’s a plethora of examples from business and society in general, but the following hypothetical situation points out the differences which an understanding of Usefulness could overcome.
Suppose that Aly and Jonah live in Tanzania. Aly wants to improve his language ability and Jonah wants to help him, even when they are separated by great distance. Aly agrees to loan to Jonah a new smartphone for the purpose of doing language work together as a video call; at an agreed rate per lesson, Jonah will be able to pay off the loan so that the phone becomes his own. Aly purchases a smartphone for $300, takes a day to prepare it, and takes a day to teach Jonah how to use it, then hands it to Jonah with the understanding it is a loan until it is paid off, and that Jonah has agreed to provide lessons to Aly until the phone is paid off. After two weeks of lessons, however, Jonah’s phone is stolen due to carelessness (or Jonah gets too busy, or Jonah stops doing lessons, or Jonah gets sick and just never resumes lessons after becoming healthy… After all, Jonah now has the phone, so what is Aly going to do?) So there is still $260 outstanding on the loan which now cannot be paid off.
Jonah of course feels bad and Aly feels bad. Jonah has lost an important income opportunity and knows that the phone was only a one-time occurrence (the phone will not be replaced). And yet, he wants and asks Aly to continue paying him for lessons. What’s wrong here?
The problem lies in Jonah not correctly understanding the true COST of VALUE of the phone and the opportunity.
The True Cost of Value
The value of money goes far beyond its simple purchasing power. It goes far beyond just digits on a bank statement. The very advantage of fiat money – that it is as a tradable symbol for labor – masks from our consciousness what value is and represents. I even take issue with my lead sentence because MONEY (the tradable fiat item) is merely a marker for VALUE. And Value ALWAYS carries with it – like the opposite side of a coin – its associated COST.
For the person who earned it, a hundred dollars isn't just a hundred dollars—it's a tangible symbol of effort and sacrifice. It's the physical representation of the time, energy, and skills expended on a difficult negotiation or a challenging project. Or the hours of sweat to dig a ditch, the pain from standing all day long working at the grocery store cash register when you’re 65 years old, or the shame from being humiliated by the public while working in a hotel lobby.
Value is never, ever, free of cost.
This earned value also represents freedom and security. It grants an individual agency, which is the ability to choose, to solve problems, or to mitigate a future risk. It is a buffer against uncertainty while also offering independence.
However, within value is a more profound cost: limitation. If that money came from a limited, irreplaceable – say a pension which is fixed over time – then it also represents a lost move in a zero-sum game. It wasn’t just losing chips in a card game. It cannot be replaced and it is losing value every day due to inflation.
And Finally the cost of that value is the loss of time itself. The hard work expended to generate that money took hours, and those hours can never be refunded, never be returned, and never be seen again. Time is the single most precious resource which a human being possesses and is synonymous with the sands of time itself. The expenditure of TIME is the dearest cost of all.
If Jonah truly understood the meaning of Usefulness, he would correspondingly understand the meaning of the Cost of Value. And he would honor and respect the sacrifice of Aly when Aly took a chance on Jonah and gave him a unique opportunity. Usefulness communicates honor and respect. It is more than just doing something for somebody in hopes of getting something in return. It says: “I honor and respect your significant sacrifice with my own sacrifice of precious labor.”
And finally Reason #3 for Usefulness: “I lead, I take the first step, with shared collaboration.” Karma moves us forward. Being Useful moves us forward. Being Useful IS the meaning of “Pay it Forward.” How, when it will be returned is unknown. It can be hoped for, but it is unknown. This has been the secret strength of Silicon Valley in California. It is the secret of true networking: Being useful in a collaborative shared environment benefits everyone.
One of the major reasons that Silicon Valley’s success has not been duplicated is because of this lack of Usefulness in Networking. Many other locations have tried to marry together capital, business, and academia. But the underlying culture has perhaps remained too directly transactional (and nakedly selfish or fearful) without the investment of Usefulness in a spirit of shared collaboration.
Part 3 will address Realworld Applications of the Concept of Usefulness.
Taraban, Orion; “The Value of Others,” PsycHacks, 2024. ISBN: 9798990069503
ibid
In the Game of Please?/No! The steps would have been:
Jonah desires Aly’s “X”.
Jonah requests Aly’s “X”:
Please give me “X” (using some type of attempted emotional manipulation/persuasion to get Aly to comply.)
Or Please give me “X” in exchange for “Y”. (This was our version.)
Aly responds with:
Yes! (gives “X” to Jonah in exchange for “Y”.)
No! (does NOT give “X” to Jonah.)
Defacto No: (Ignores Jonah and does not respond.)
Counter-proposal: (Says Yes if Jonah gives “Y” to Aly, reversing the Game of Please?/No! and turning Aly into the suitor and Jonah into the decider.)
ibid, see chapter on the Game of Please/No